Tackling Jealousy With A Sex Therapist - Part One

“It is important to first of all take ownership of your jealousy. The jealousy is all yours.”

Jealousy. A common enemy shared by most. An element in most relationships that causes confusion, hurt and divide.

But what IS jealousy exactly? Is it inherently negative? The feeling of jealousy comes from such an emotional place… is it possible to overcome it? Deal with it? And who’s responsible for dispelling jealousy when it comes up in a partnership?

To help answer these questions, I reached out to Moushumi Ghose, Los Angeles sex therapist and author of the book, “Love Is Not A Pie.”

To start, Mo mentions that to her, jealousy is like an “internal clock or roadmap.”

She elaborates:

“When we experience jealousy it’s a clear indicator of something that is very significant to us…”

Knowing that jealousy only comes around when you hold something very dear, it seems less like of an evil monster and more like a puppy that will pee all over the floor if you don’t tend to its needs.

She goes on.

“(Jealousy indicates) something that is a sensitive subject for us, something that we hold stories about, and something that we feel truly insecure about. Jealousy is like the window into our most tender spots, which often can turn dark, if left unchecked.”

When examining your jealousy, see if you can identify any or all of these three factors:

1. It’s surrounding a deep love and desire for a person, or thing.

2. You’re feeling like that person or thing is being threatened, or taken away from me.

3. Your own insecurities, and personal narrative is why you feel threatened- NOT the thing you’re jealous of.

I particularly love what Mo says about the stories we tell ourselves. Whether it’s letting past experiences dictate how you feel in the moment, or the narratives you tell yourself about your shortcomings, identifying them as “stories” rather than “reality” can be extremely beneficial for keeping them in check.

“It’s important to pay attention to how certain actions make you feel and do a little bit of self work and processing to understand why these behaviors make you feel the way they do.  In most cases jealousy is something that we bring to the table because of… past relationship trauma, past friendship trauma, past family trauma.”

As difficult as it is, “It can be helpful to find out what aspects of the relationship remind you of something from your past.”

Additionally, the reaction of jealousy could be a response meant to protect or warn us from a partner who is unfaithful or manipulative.

This takes us back to the internal clock, which Mo says, “needs to be tuned, needs to be listened to, and tells us a lot of very important things about ourselves.”

She says, “We might be in the wrong relationship. Maybe the relationship isn’t supporting us in the ways that we need. Sometimes insecurity arises because our partner is insensitive to our needs. They may be callous and critical, or they may be secretive and dismissive. Even… and especially if you have spoken up about it, if nothing seems to be changing then it might be time to make a decision.”

On the other hand, “We might be focusing on the wrong aspect of the relationship. This is not necessarily anyone’s fault. We do have to take some responsibility for our emotions. Too often people ask other people to change to eradicate their own jealousy.”

Understanding more about what jealous is, and more importantly, is NOT, can help alleviate some of the pain it causes. Looking inward, rather than outside of yourself, and investigating these feelings can help bring peace within your relationship, and hopefully within yourself!

Stay tuned for PART TWO as we dive further in with Mo.